Since I have dropped out of the Best Mother Contest (BMC), I have more time for cynical observation.  Actually, cynical observation might be a kinder way to describe mean, judgmental staring at small children in order to condemn their parents. 

Why would I be so mean? Well, for starters, it’s 8:00 am on Saturday morning and I have had no coffee. Some how the Pink Panthers drew the short stick and got the first time slot for team pictures, and having gotten up yesterday at the crack of dawn to have my son at 6:30 am surgery, I was a bitter woman being dragged from my warm bed this morning.  But, for the love of my children, I got up and attired myself in clothes from the floor and hauled my little family across town to the gym. 

Dazed and unable to think because of my lack of coffee, I completed the complicated photo order form, which asked me to note the height of my child – who knows how tall their five-year old is--, styled my child’s tangled hair into “half-pigs” and waited for the top-notch photography team to figure out how to operate their equipment.

As I wait, I notice that Divorced Dad remembered the game this week, as opposed to last week when he forgot to bring his daughter. However, the kid is sporting wild, curly Dad Hair and is wearing tie-dye pants for picture day.  The blatant disregard for BMC is disconcerting, but I turn a blind eye. It’s not until he opens the bag of Cheetos for breakfast that I pick-up the imaginary phone and call the Mommy Police –this man’s former wife must be arrested! 

You might think that it’s cruel to arrest the mother when it was the father who didn’t brush the hair, find the uniform or make the breakfast, but please remember, in the BMC contest, it’s always the mother’s responsibility – everything is her responsibility. This is why, my friend, that when Mrs. Wearing-Make-up-And-A-Dress-On-Saturday-Morning mother shows up twenty-five minutes late and expects the game to wait so that her child can get a photograph, that I have to take matters into my own hands and perform a citizen’s arrest.

As an unofficial member of the law enforcement team, I have no official tools like handcuffs, guns or Billy clubs, and I am forced to use The Glare, the combo Sniff-Tsk and the most effective tool, Ice-Ice. In case you are unfamiliar with Ice-Ice, the first step is to corral at least three mothers into a circle and begin talking about something you all have in common that the person being Ice-Iced does not share. Build the conversation until the group is laughing like hyenas to make the victim think that 1) everyone but her is having a great time at 8:00 am, and 2) there is a possibility that she is the subject matter of the laughter.

When those goals are accomplished, immediately withdraw and magnanimously extend a “Oh, hey you! I didn’t see you over there. How’s it going?” The victim doubts her prior feelings about your meanness and humbly confesses her pathetic excuse for being late and wasting everyone’s time.  This simple arrest and confession translates into 10 points off in the BMC world.

Because I have taken myself out of the competition, it might seem like I am a sore loser sitting on the sidelines, and that might be a correct assumption. I noticed that in addition to Divorced Mother and Late Mother that Vacation Mother and Absent Mother had lost many points the eternal BMC contest.  The BMC contestants are performing so poorly at this moment that there is a part of me that wants to jump back in the contest and claim the prize. However, I notice a child wearing a bow with her basketball uniform and a mother with a cute bag of travel toys to occupy her little one during the game.  As it dawns on me that I have not seen my little one is about 15 minutes, and my other child has mucus matted in her hair, I decide to remain on the sidelines.

Vacation Mother has long been a top contender in the BMC contest.  First of all, she is highly attractive and quite the snappy dresser, always high fashion, but not trendy, just classic-expensive.  Secondly, she has two sets of twins who excel on the growth chart – in a good way with long legs, sturdy bodies, lean tops, just generally healthy builds, and you know that a big, healthy child is the sign of a great mother.  In the past, when I was in the BMC contest, I had points deducted for my son's premature birth and for having a child in  the 25th percentile for weight.  Of course, Vacation Mother carried both sets of twins full term and had natural births. 

Finally, Vacation Mother rates yet more high points because she is a career woman who deftly balances home and work while excelling in both arenas. As the fundraiser for the local private school Vacation Mother just raised $12 million for a new campus. All that being said, today, she lost points by leaving town with her husband, the team coach, and forgetting to leave her house organized with a precise schedule and associated props --- like her daughters uniforms.  The girls get to play without the uniforms, but I understand that a special committee will be formed to ascertain whether Vacation Mother forgot to leave the uniforms in a prominent place, in which case she would be significantly down-graded and pushed aside as leading contestant in the BMC contest, or if the babysitting grandmother was the culprit and did not follow the directions. Let’s say a little prayer that Vacation Mother was not in the wrong and the uniform infraction was the grandmother’s fault because I am rooting for Vacation Mother. She works very hard at keeping both sets of twins on track in addition to funding her own entry fee for the BMC contest.

As today’s little diatribe winds down, I would be remiss if I did not devote some time to Absent Mother, whose child missed not only picture day, but has also missed two games.  Absent Mother has a bevy of babies and a big-time job. Clearly, she has met the Peter Principle and can’t keep up, even though she has live-in and domestic help.  I can hear her rationalization now, “This is just too much.  Getting out of bed on Saturday morning and dragging four children to the gym is ridiculous,” she says as she tries to sway others to support her. The Best Mother’s contestants look at her in with mock empathy as she continues, “I want my children to have a quality life that is not driven by a schedule.  Basketball is not that important in the scheme of things.” 

Clearly, Absent Mother made a choice to stay at home without make-up and rationalize, and while she is clearly out of the competition, it remains to be known if she was ever a contender.