Last week Sharon Jayson, the behavior and relationships reporter from USA Today, interviewed me for a href="http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/2007-05-08-alpha-beta-moms_N.htm">story about Alpha Moms –  whatever that means. I’ve heard various definitions of Alpha Mom, but Jayson described Alpha Mom as mothers who “view parenting in much the same way they view the work world -- being very organized, etc.”  During the interview she asked me why I felt the need to plan, fret and agonize over seemingly trifle details, thus claiming a spot on the Alpha Mom team.  In typical fashion, I responded with a light, flip comment that generated a laugh and diverted attention from the real issue.  After the interview, I was honest with myself, and the reason that I obsess over everything from feeding my family on a schedule to organizing the ribbon drawer is because I live in fear.

I fear that I will die and my children will be motherless.
I fear my children will be harmed.
I fear my children will suffer if they do not have all the advantages.
Mostly, I fear that if I fail to be less than a perfect mother, I will be fired.

My husband and I married when I was 30 and he 36. He brought with him to the marriage two daughters from a previous marriage.  We were content with two children and didn’t plan on having more, but we decided that if I did become pregnant, then we would be happy. When I did become pregnant (after about 10 seconds), I thought that my husband would be the main caregiver for the new baby. He was a father. He knew how to handle children. I was a selfish, only child and a busy career girl with no previous baby experience. In my mind, having a baby was like a company buying a subsidiary – in this situation, the baby wasn’t under my direct division, but I would provide necessary support as needed.  Go team, go – let’s acquire a baby!

Realistically, I knew that the baby would require my attention, but I viewed the forthcoming baby like I would view a charity asking to host an event at my house – I knew there would be work to be done – plant some flowers, wallpaper the bathroom, buy fresh flowers, and I would probably have to leave work early, but ultimately, the charity staff would handle the details like nametags and follow-up letters. I would birth the baby, buy the clothes and order the diaper service, but my husband would do the heavy lifting like teaching the baby to walk and helping with any emotional needs, if there were any.

What a shock it was when my daughter, who over-stayed her nine months in my womb by two weeks, was finally knifed out of my gut. After the nineteen hours of wrestling an uncomfortable knot from my uterus, the doctors, nurses and family left my hospital room.  It was twilight, and I was staring at the wall in the darkening room wondering what had happened to me. The nurse plunged into the room dragging a streak of fluorescent light with her. She dropped a baby on my lap and left the agitated infant screaming in my arms.  The door slowly closed and the harsh light faded – in the dim light I went to work on the little ball of flesh.  Instinctively, I undressed the baby and freed her from the hospital clothes that were unnaturally clinging to her body. I, too, took off my mistake of clothing.  Skin to skin, I pressed the little baby to my chest and she stopped crying. The power of knowing how to care for this new life was equivalent to the caveman starting the first fire.   The “rightness” of this action had enough energy to engulf the hospital in flames.  From that moment I knew that my husband was not sitting first chair on this project – I was lead counsel on this case.

The responsibility of being a good mother is overwhelming, as anyone at Parent Bloggers can tell you, and it’s out of fear that I am motivated to do an exceptional job.  There is most definitely fear that I will put my children in jeopardy if I don’t raise them well, but there is also the pressure of being fired --- by whom, I’m uncertain, but it’s a real, albeit crazy, notion.

When I grocery shop, eat and plan meals, I do so in fear.  I fear that if I don’t eat high-fiber cereal with soymilk and blueberries that there will be nothing in my body to attach itself to the bad cholesterol hanging around in my arteries (isn’t that where it lives?). If not stopped the cholesterol will corrode my arteries and stop my life.  It’s not that I am afraid of dying.  What a rest that would be!  I am afraid of leaving my children motherless. 

Flashback:  A new stepmother, I take my new children hundreds of miles away from their real mother to a dude ranch in Montana. Seemingly, we drive to the end of the earth. Then we park our car and get into a 4-wheel vehicle and drive across unpaved and uncut roads deep into the interior of a ranch. It’s beautiful, and while the children jump with abandon on a trampoline, it never occurs to me how impossible it would be to get to a hospital in a timely manner should an accident occur. 

Furthermore, we saddle-up on horses that we have caught in a pasture and with no helmet, we gallop, no, we haul-ass, across the prairie.  I entice the girls to try to beat me in a horserace – whipping the horses with a crop, we urge them to run at breakneck speed as we fly into the wind. What if the horse would have hit a rock, stumbled, spooked, bucked? If one of the girls had taken a fall and needed medical care, it wasn’t available.  How stupid of me!  If I die, my replacement is destined to be an irresponsible woman who will kill my children in a vain and senseless escapade. I have to stay healthy so my children won’t be found lifeless in a field having been trampled by a herd of cows.

When I force my getting-to-big-to-hold daughter to sit in my lap while I implore her to “make no excuses…it’s your responsibility…no matter the circumstances, if something – anything - happens on your watch, then it’s your fault….if you borrow my Sharpie markers and leave them out for your brother to use and he writes on the wall, then it’s your fault.” 

Flashback:  I’m 19 years old and am with my friend whose father is our employer. His private jet has landed at the Westchester County airport, and we are late to pick him up. She is FREAKING OUT. I’m calm. We got caught in traffic, what’s the big deal?  When we arrive, the father, a daunting man of 6’6” and about 250 lbs with a red face, bears down on her. Finger jabbing at her face, he berates her in a New York way that shakes my southern bones to the core.  He says that no matter what the circumstances, she was supposed to pick him up on time.  NO EXCUSES.  After witnessing this dressing-down and many others that included his wife and other children, I learned a lesson:  no matter what, it’s my responsibility.

This Alpha Mom gig also has its fear roots in vanity.  Out of fear, I constantly monitor the image and perception I present to my children with respect to my career, writing and friends. I want to make sure my children know I am a good worker, creative hobbyist, and have good friendships, not because I am trying to impress them, but because I am trying to impress UPON them that it’s possible to have a perfect home, high-powered job, creative sideline and tended friendships.  We all know that’s a lie.  I guess when I find myself screaming at the top of my lungs in the front yard that the kids figure out that I’m incapable of doing everything (and all at once).  Really, though, the kids just think I’m bizarre and a little on the mean side, I suspect– they never make the connection that being an Alpha Mom is just too much pressure!

Flashback:  I have no flashback that explains this need to impress the children with the ability to “have it all.” Guess it comes from all the 1980’s advertising about bringing home the bacon and frying it up in a pan. My generation was bludgeoned with the message of breaking the glass ceiling – it was almost a taunt.  What loser wouldn’t at least try to break through the limits of a male dominated work world?  (I never factored motherhood into the equation, as nobody ever mentioned that raising children took time. My parents sent me to my grandmother’s house from the end of May to the middle of August. At 14 I drove the car to my JOB and school.)

My model was my best friend’s mother who was an English professor and single mother of two. She taught all day, and at night she tried to balance cooking dinner (I ate dinner with them almost every night), listening to our mindless drivel and trying to pull us up to higher discourse, grading papers from less than committed students and finding time to publish her own writing. Being the English Department Chair was certainly something she was qualified to do, but she had so many responsibilities that I assume chairing the department – breaking the glass ceiling – seemed like just more work. 

Finally, in my atypical world of fear, I fear an impending imaginary war and correlating imprisonment.   Yes, I understand that statement just crossed the line and propelled me into the world of the insane.  The “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders" probably names my fear of becoming a prisoner war as “paranoia”, and surely I could get some type of drugs to curtail this psychological anomaly.  But for the sake of argument, let’s pretend I’m sane, and let’s use this fact that I’m afraid of being captured and tortured to explain why I work frenetically to meet all the goals, ring all the bells and instill a sense of hurried panic in my children.  My rationale is that if condition myself and my children to endure hard work that regimented life in prison will be easier and bearable.   This fully explains why I pushed my three-year old daughter into drawing a picture of herself watering flowers – a sort of resume – to get hired by our neighbors to water their potted plants. This also explains why I was so distraught when she quit her new job after a week’s employment.

Flashback:  I am nine years old and walk into the First Baptist Church of Lilesville, North Carolina (pop. 459) where they are showing the “Diary of Anne Frank” on a pull down projection screen.  In my pink Holly Hobbie smock top and orange polyester shorts, I squat behind the back pew and peer at the horror taking place to poor Anne Frank  – forever more I await my capture and torture. “Schindler’s List” did nothing to dissuade my fear.

As usual, I will end with the realization of my flaws and vow to change my behavior.  In “Stepping Down From the Pedestal” and “Saturday Morning Basketball” I realize the insanity of my actions as Alpha Mom, and promise to stop acting without thinking. This writing exercise points out the foundation of the problem, and now that I have this understanding, I will try again to curtail my maniacal planning and scurrying that is borne of fear….fear that is not real. 

Comments

[Success Warrior]

Wow! I can't say that I understand how you feel but I have my own glimpse of it. The birth of our son has completely changed our lives. My wife and I both are working harder than ever before for many of the same reasons.

Wonderful post!

[bitsy parker]

Here is an interesting situation that was emailed to me from "Joe". It's rather long, but read it and suggest some solutions or give feedback. He seems to be in a real pickle and says:

Hello,

The problem with most men/fathers/husbands is that they go to other men to seek advice on how to "deal" with women/moms/wives. This is my attempt to cross that naturally inbred tendency and try to seek advice that is truly applicable to my wife.

First of all, I love my wife and know she is smart, beautiful, and motivated (to say the least). We have some deep rooted problems that, honestly, I don't know are due to my actions/inactions or hers. I do however continually try to improve myself in order to have a better relationship. The problem with that is that I have recently become terrified that I am losing who I really am because I would rather "get along with" my wife rather than try to make her understand that I am different from her. The "trying to make her understand" has been a uniform problem with our relationship and do not know if it is something that I need to do at the expense of relationship and my family. I will approach this with a topics type of format.

Money

This was a huge problem when we first got married because our childhoods were exactly opposite in this area. My mom (step dad was not really a participating member - which may be part of my problem - not sure) always made due. We didn't have a lot of money but no matter what, we went on vacation every summer and I had new basketball shoes every winter. My mom was unorthodox in some respects; once leaving me on the of the road when I was 10 because she got so mad at me (I had to walk about 5 miles home), back-handing me with her rings on leaving cuts on my lips/cheeks/face, running a balance on a credit card so that she could do the things she wanted to do instead of the things we could afford. My wife's family was that exact opposite; my mother-in-law was a stay at home mom who needed to have everything prepared and ready to go for everything (she still brings frozen meat-balls, potatoes, carrots, etc. to our house even though we have been marrie! d 6 yea rs and are 29 years old with degrees, stable income, and a new home), my father-in-law worked at the same place for 35 years and drove the smallest crappiest car he could find in order to save money and "act" as if this family is frugal, this frugalness is an advertisement for the family and they are proud to "act" like it doesn't matter if we flaunt their money even though they saved 50% of their income for retirement since they were 20, never had any debt except for a mortgage.

Since I was used to my mother doing what she could to show us a good time and she was used to financial stability that provided a sense of comfort we had our work cut out for us on this topic. About three years into our marriage we caught up on all credit card bills, paid off cars, and had a lot of money left over to save. Since then the money issue is not such an issue. Problem solved right? Happy marriage now right? Nope!

Her Parents

Her dad is a saint. I mean literally. Goes to church every morning. Since he is retired now he volunteers at soup kitchens always and even is a eucharistic minister and goes to VA hospitals to lead people in the eucharistic prayer. He does not rest until every dish is washed, his wife is relaxing with a glass of wine, and the garbage is out (and garbage can washed, dried and ready for tomorrows trash). I get along with him well but feel as if he is basically trapped (even though he would never admit that). Her mom...wow! Some tragedy occurred early in her life and her parents died (real sketchy on this fact because they are very tight lipped about it - you know the type that try to act in public as if everything is absolutely perfect). Her mother has a weird problem with not being able to form relationships with other women (unless the women are opposite of alpha women). A list of the women she doesn't get along with! and th e effect:

My father-in-laws 2 brothers wives - My father-in-law did not see his brothers because both of their wives did not get along with my mother-in-law.

My mother-in-laws brothers wife - My mother-in-law and her sister (both raised by aunts and uncles after their parents died) got in fight with their brothers wife and therefore did not speak to them for over 10 years.

My mother-in-laws' sisters' sons' girlfriend - because they did not get along with this woman, they eventually got the two of them to split up

My brother-in-laws future wife - they constantly talk horribly behind her back even though the marriage is next month.

My mother - My mother is an alpha female and this scares the crap out of my mother-in-law. Because of this my wife now doesn't like my mom or whole family in general. This is one of my major problems now because I see the same pattern with my wife's' mother happening now in her.

Two Family Home

My in-laws thought that it would "help" their son if they turned their big farmhouse into a two family home and let their son stay there rent free with his fiance and 6 year old son. My brother-in-law is so messed up it is ridiculous. Thinks he did everything on his own to get where he is even though when he had a kid at 19 and wasn't married, the grandparents watched the kid everyday and most nights so that he could work and go out at night without having to pay day care costs. Now he doesn't even have to pay rent. I call this "enabling." They never made the kid grow up but if it was his word and mine, my own wife would take his word for it.

Her Family

I know they say that the woman in the marriage always stay closer to their family than the man does to his, but this is a little ridiculous. My mom and sister (even though a little ridiculous) constantly call and cry on the phone because they don't see their granddaughter/niece enough. My daughter is 10 months old and we have been to my wife's families house (in NY by city - We live in Maryland) 9 times and we have only been to my families (Upstate NY) once! I see my mom's point but at the same time I've asked her to try to understand that I am trying to do what will keep my wife and my family (new family - wife, child, and myself) happiest. Even though I would like to see my family more, it is not as necessary for me as it is my wife.

My Family

My wife doesn't like my mom because my mother-in-law doesn't like my mom. I guess that is just how it goes. But it effects how much I am able to see my mom and the environment when I do see her. My wife even said that (when we were considering moving back to NY) that we could but we couldn't live close to my family. We could live close to her family, which she actually suggested, but she said that she would not live close to my family. Makes me feel good about the future with my new family and my old family seeing each other.

Sex

My wife will watch TV and think that that is how sex is supposed to happen. The man runs home and passionately "makes out" with his wife for an hour before massaging her back, having sex, then making her dinner. Lets now move into reality. I think my wife is hot! She is "exactly" what I find attractive in women. But as the years have gone by we do not have sex that often. She is skinny blond and attractive. I am big, chubby, tall, and only attractive to "some" women. My wife thinks that I should initiate sex all the time and she hasn't initiated sex in months (actually I can only think of once in many years). She says that that is the "man's" job and that if I found her attractive I would initiate more often. Now come on. I understand that many women are self conscious about their appearance but anyone was looking at her and me, they would immediately know that I&nb! sp;need more reassurance than she does. Anyway, I started to consciously initiate more often, even having sex 6 times in four days during the holidays. Even when I feel like that is going good, when we argue about something even stupid, the argument eventually goes into these deeper relationship problems. The problem she continually states is that she is not happy with the sex life, that I don't initiate enough, that she doesn't like sex with me, and even to say that sex with her ex-boyfriend was sooooooo much better. You would think I would have freaked out but I just told her that I enjoyed the sex. This pissed her off more than if we argued about it. But it is the truth. So now when I ask her if she is going to initiate sex she says that she doesn't like sex and doesn't want to have it and therefore doesn't want to initiate. Even though later, in some argument, she will complain that we don't have enough sex. ! First m oney - solved that. Then sex - don't know how to solve that.

Motivation Does Not Require a Motor!

My wife, during a recent argument, stated that she didn't know that I was so lazy and unmotivated. The first five years of marriage I was working full time, completing my undergrad, and then completed my MBA in a year instead of two (while still working full time - that was tough). So now that I reached my educational goals I think it is time to hang out and relax a little bit. But she sees it differently. She says that I don't try to better myself and that I am lazy. Maybe I am lazy. Definitely lazier than her. But I think she is not lazy enough, so that is where the problem lies. In a recent argument she was mad that I wasn't doing enough around the house - cleaning projects. I then listed the things I do everyday; get up at 5:30am to go to work, pick up daughter at Day care at 3:30, bring her home and play with her, give her dinner around 5pm (wife comes home around 5:30), clean her up after dinner, walk with her ! and wif e until about 6:30, give daughter bath (every night), cook dinner for us (every night), clean up after dinner, get daughters bottle ready, then kiss daughter good night at 7:15. In addition to that stuff I also clean the bathrooms once a week, pay bills, do all the grocery shopping, and clean kitchen. She then said that she is happy with the day to day stuff that I do but that I don't help her with the cleaning enough. I admit she does laundry, takes out garbage (I know that sounds weird but she wanted it done a certain way so she does it), vacuumes, plans clothing/food/schedule for daughter. So I'm not saying she doesn't do a lot. It is just that she doesn't appreciate the things that I do do. She recently said that she wanted to start cleaning the bathrooms because I didn't do it good enough (she actually wanted to change because she recently watched Oprah where they were talking about the natural cleaning supplies - Meth! od and Seventh Generation Brands - so she wants to clean using all of these things now (twice as expensive), but the problem is they don't work so I wanted to use bleach on the toilets and she flipped out saying that she would do it so that it was done right. Anyway, she said that she wanted me to start vacuuming and doing hardwood floors instead. The problem isn't that she wanted to change jobs, that is what she thinks the problem is. The problem is that she is never satisfied with what I do and that is the root issue. She won't be happy with me vacuuming next week so she will try to switch something else.

My Wife's Job

She wins every award they have. She loves it because there are easily defined expectations that she reaches and is rewarded for. She works more than she needs to and accomplishes three times what anyone else in her position does. But she was home for 4 months after my daughter was born. I think in her own mind she constantly is judging herself for working instead of staying at home ( 1. we can't afford her staying home 2. my daughter is only at day care three and a half days a week for 6 hours - not too bad). She doesn't want to stay home, she says, but once in a while throws it out there to get a reaction from me because I know we can't have the house we have and life we have without both of us working. She even says that she would rather be working than with me.

Relationship

Just yesterday my wife said that since she isn't happy with our relationship that she will now treat me like a roommate and will ask me to do what she wants me to do. Man, that sounds like a good philosophy.

Friends

We do not live where we grew up so a lot of our friends are long distance, well a lot of my friends are long distance. She only has one girl friend that she even keeps in touch with from High School and I think that is because that friend is so passive. Our maid of honor at our wedding does not even talk to my wife anymore. Not sure why. I just know my wife complains about her often. My wife does not easily make friends with any woman or anyone for that matter. I think this is a big issue in our relationship and her social well-being. I make friends easily and like to do things with friends. She however does not have friends and just wants to stay home with our daughter. That makes me feel bad because when I do do things with friends I feel guilty because she is just at home. Also, I don't think it is healthy for her to not have other women around her to talk to about me being a jerk, relationships with men, ve! nting, and just girl stuff. I think that she does not know what a "normal" relationship is because she doesn't have other people to talk to to know what is "normal." She even makes comments about how weird it is that I made good friends with two new neighbors and we often play domimoes and smoke cigars on weekends. I think it is weird that she thinks it is weird, and I definitely think that it not normal with her. So I have (yes, I have and it didn't go well) mentioned to her that she needs to find some more friends and talk about life in general. I mean I knew it wasn't going to be a good thing to say, but, sometimes you have to say something if you really think it is a problem that needs to be addressed.

Daughter

I am scared to death that my daughter will pick up this weird issue with other women from my wife and mother-in-law. I am also worried that my wife does not have enough outlets for her frustration and to receive advice.

Opposite of Perfect

That is me! But I also am trying to keep my identify while transforming myself and trying to figure out what I need to do to be a good man, father, and husband. I think that my wife expects me to eventually morph into what she wants. But unfortunately, that will not happen. I will do my best but I still need to be myself.

Even the Sun Shines on a Dogs' Rear-end Ocassionaly

I think that we have a good relationship overall until we have an argument. Her parents "never" argued in front of the kids and therefore I think that she thinks that when we fight it is not normal and she doesn't know how to resolve the issue. She has never seen an argument resolved or even knows that arguing is normal. We will be bopping along, loving our kid, and having a good time then bam...a small argument turns into a big argument and my wife starts acting as if it is the end of the relationship. I expect her to be mad at me, maybe it was my fault and I'm a jerk, then get over it and move on. She thinks that there is some magic resolution to "every" argument and that we never resolve the issues. I think that the fight was probably something dumb and that we should just let it blow over. Everything time I try to address things that I think are issues, like her family and lack of friends, in an argument it does not go well.! So how can I try to resolve the large issues she feels are problems if we can't even discuss what I feel are root problems. It is always the same with her; We don't have sex enough, you don't like my family, I don't like your family, the new one is that I am not motivated, etc. etc. But I don't know how to solve these problems because I have tried to have a lot of sex to prompt her to have more sex but that didn't work - she even said that she didn't like the sex (which I think she was just saying to hurt me - even though I know I am no love boat), we aren't going to change anybodies family, and I think that she needs to relax a bit because I worked hard to get my MBA and degree and now want to enjoy it for a while, while working at my career, family, and personal life.


_________

You may get this and wonder why I am sending this to you. I saw an article about "Alpha - Moms" on USAToday website and it listed your site as a blog for the "beta-mom." When I read the alpha-mom stuff it sounded like I was reading a story about my wife. The problem is that her alpha-momming stems from alpha-wifing and with the presence of both, I haven't been too happy lately. My daughter is the joy of my life and I will never, ever leave her. Therefore divorce is not an option. I will make this work but I need help to make it work while still keeping pieces of myself. I need someone's advice and figured you may have insight since you have probably come across these issues before. If not, maybe you'll enjoy the read and will never get back to me. Either way, it has been good to write this down.

Good luck to you and hope to hear from you.

Thank you,

[Rebecca F.]

I just wanted to comment on this post. I am a new reader and loved how insightful and direct your writing is. I enjoy reading as much as I did reflecting on what you've written.

I can't wait to go through your archives. Although I may not always comment, please sign me up to the list of faithful new readers!

New blog fan.

Rebecca F.