Amidst a gaggle of giggling society girls talking about New York Fashion Week someone let it slip that I was conducting a NO CAR Experiment.  Talk about turd in the punchbowl.  At first there was confused silence then one perfectly pale woman who has not consumed enough fat to sustain mental clarity says in a politely interested way:

"Like, uh, do you wear, you know, like, special shoes?  I mean if you are running by the creek it is major league rocky there. If I wear running shoes I can feel the slightest pebble. Probably you have cross-country shoes (upward inflection.)"

I want to say, "Uh, like no, Pea Princess. I just wear tennis shoes, put one foot in front of the other, and channel Forest Gump. Then, bingo! I am at my destination."  Instead, I vaguely explain how I use a combination of walking, running and riding the bus. Surreptitiously, each woman checks to make sure her Range Rover keys are within sight and the group experiences a collective shiver.

What is it with all the specialized gear people need these days?  If you are one of those people who wastes everybody's time and money by buying excessive crap to hide behind, I encourage you to put your heels in the stirrups and begin to push because this is going to be painful, and we're not serving epidurals.

Remember Mexico?  Aside from the margaritas, yoga was the only part of that vacation I enjoyed.  The yoga studio was sparsely appointed and the participants arrived in CLOTHES – just clothes. I don't remember what people wore – t-shirts, bottoms, who knows?  Of course, every week a new woman from Georgia (tons of Georgia people vacation in San Miguel) would pop in for a class and bring: mat, mat carrier, blanket, water bottle, towel, blocks, strap, scented wipe to clean mat and a PHONE THAT SHE WOULDN'T TURN OFF. She would be wearing yoga pants, coordinating yoga shirt and yoga hair holder. 

Why all the crap?  Every yoga class provides mats, blocks, etc., but are people so germ-a-phobic they need their personal load of excessive consumer items? Coincidentally, the people who bring a truckload of gear to yoga are also the talkers. Yoga is meditative, not social - zip it, Kaitlyn.

Same thing with running – my friend who was just starting to run, and subsequently dropped the activity within weeks, felt compelled to purchase a $60 running bra, new running shoes with an iPod chip (of course) and several high performance running outfits.  Put on a flipping shirt and hit the road, baby!

My extended family has a knack for acquiring hobbies and gear that drives me insane. One season it's sailing, which extends itself to a plethora of specific boating attire (jackets, boots, shoes, swimsuits, sweatshirts and brand or logo associated t-shirts) and over-priced and hard-to-find hooks, ropes, polish – oh, and a boat!  and a trailer! and a car that can pull the trailer!  The next season the sailboat sits unused in storage and this lot is on to golfing – clubs, shoes, tees, bags, memberships, lessons and trips to the best golf courses.

This last time it was scuba diving – flippers, wetsuits, carrying bags, tanks, and prescription dive masks. Twenty to one that scuba lasts about as long as photography did. In fact, if you need an expensive camera with specialized lenses, carrying case and developer, I know where you can get a good deal.

I'm not saying that people should limit themselves and not try new activities, but I am suggesting that people (especially you namby-pambies who are quitters) often hide behind the gear and wear it like a costume.  It's like sporting theater – the actor dons his costume and transforms into someone else - an athletic hero?  What is this about?  Do people think they are different and are somehow not responsible for their real lives if they are sitting on a $3,000 bicycle - a bike that will be ridden a total of six times?

My friend was married to a professional "hobbyist" who lived on the spoils of his trust fund. He would wile away the early part of the week unpacking from a camping trip and spend the middle of the week packing and planning for the next camping trip.   After he tired of camping, he moved on to sailing, quickly followed by cycling and then flying.  Aside from the mammoth expense of flying, my friend liked her husband's new hobby that would transport her to new places and was considering buying him an airplane (with her money) – that was until he had an affair with a 21-year old flight school dropout.  If this guy thought racing and flying was expensive, imagine how much that affair cost him. 

Again, it's a free world, and if someone is desperate enough to seek identity through sports gear and equipment, then that is their problem, but for the rest of you, I fear you are afflicted by consumer berserkism.  You don't need to buy everything being sold.  Right this minute, I absolve you from the burden of compulsory purchasing. If you want to run, hit the street; if you want to sail, rent a boat; if you want to golf, buy some used clubs; and if you want my respect don't  annoy me with your ridiculous purchases.

In my book, you need to put up or shut up.  I don't want to see your custom bowling bowl and monogrammed bag until you are a finalist in the league or have committed a year to the activity. Now, go for a walk in your flip flops. They will work. I promise.

P.S. I am thinking about taking up Safari's as a hobby.  I'll buy expensive Holland & Holland clothes and guns then waste everybody's time talking about how I specialize in giraffes. These are the shoes I am going to wear to the after safari parties.

Comments

[Donna]

I completely agree with you.

But I have to admit, that iPod/Nike doodad is way cool.

[Jamie]

OMG woman you are hilarious! Channeling Forest Gump. Ha!

I bet the ladies all piled into the plush leather seats of their Range Rovers and took off, gripping the steering wheels with their manicured hands and thanking the Good Lord above for their posh wheels! ;)

[Jamie]

p.s. a few years ago we were over at another couple's house for a casual night of football, chili, and beer. My friend commented on my jeans and when I told her I bought them at Goodwill I thought she was going to pass out. ;)

[hokgardner]

One of the things I love about running is that all I need to do is lace up my shoes and walk out the door. I don't have to go anywhere special, although I do love the trail, and I don't need any expensive gear, other than some decent shoes. It's the perfect sport!

[Glennia]

Too funny! My husband is afflicted with the same thing, so we have a garage full of unused crapola. I could have one killer garage sale, if he would just let me get rid of his "hobbies."

[Rebecca F.]

Bwahahahahaha!

Wow. I am sooo out of my league with the Range Rover bunnies. It is so hard for me to understand how they think and what they value. I cannot picture my "tell it like it is" self immersed in your social circles.... Yikes!

Great post..... Freaky shoes.....

R/

[HomeSlice]

so great to read this post. it gave me renewed commitment to continue running in my stepford wives neighborhood past all the liposuctioned trophy wives in my husband's frat house shirt (the "biggest ball of them all"!), tattered running shorts with paint stains, and my cross trainers for 4 years ago. i rock the street!

[Kelly]

"Surreptitiously, each woman checks to make sure her Range Rover keys are within sight and the group experiences a collective shiver."

I love you. Seriously.

[DorisRichard]

I received my first personal loans when I was 32 and it supported me a lot. But, I need the car loan again.