After the previous day’s thoughts of O (as in the Story of) and the bicycle, I didn’t have the gumption to bike to work a second day.  Using Capitol Metro’s crackerjack computer system I planned my bus route to work departing from a stop near the children’s school. It’s about three city miles from the school to my office, but for some reason it took one hour and twenty minutes to get there.

The trip was incredibly pleasant, as I read a book that I commited to review and have been putting off for weeks.  Stretched out on the back seats of the bus covered in bright fall sunlight, I felt like I was at home in my breakfast room on the sofa without a care in the world. It was like Saturday and my mind was tricked into forgetting the pressures of professional life. Just ridin’ and readin’.

“End of route. Please exit bus,” says an automated voice.

Looking around I find myself in a part of town that is new to me. A conversation with the bus driver who is exiting the bus informs me that I rode the wrong way and that if I wait until 9:34 am he will start the bus and eventually take me to my destination.  In a former life such time wasting and delays would have caused my head to explode and black bile to shoot from my mouth. Instead I said “Thanks, man.  I’ll wait here in the elder care residential center.” 

Did I eat Valium with breakfast?  What’s happening to me? I am an aging dog who has lost my bark and bite?

Sitting amongst Austin's older citizens who were chewing their curd did prove too much for me, so I decided to wait outside on the sidewalk. Of course, crazy old man on an electric scooter with a cigarillo sticking out of his mouth effecting a bird-beak look decided to race down the sidewalk toward me. It was crystal clear he was coming to strike up a conversation with me.  The Valium started to wear off and my sense of reality came back. I ran.

After a decent day at work, I gear up for the bus trip back to my children’s school. Tight schedule:  work, school, home, basketball practice, party -- all within two and half hours.  Even with a car, that schedule would be tight.  My bus arrives only four minutes late and I get on and start reading that book (which just might get a good review.)  The bus does not move. The bus driver is pushing buttons, putting on his reading glasses, calling someone on the phone and then announces over the intercom in a quasi-panicked voice

“Exit the bus immediately!”

Traffic stacks up. Horns blow. Fingers fly. My Valium kicks in as I calmly call my husband to fetch me and continue reading my book at the bus STOP. Nice reprieve.

Clearly, The Professor has been main-lining speed and arrives in a great panic that we must haul-ass across town, back home, across town, back home and across town again.  Pedal to the metal he peels out and begins aggressively combating traffic.  Riding in the car is just too much for me. In fact, behind my fashionable sunglasses, I secretly close my eyes as my body leans into the squealing turn of the car.

In fact, I think in the future I might start riding in the backseat of the car.  Actually, I think I want to completely get rid of the car and get a driver. That sounds haughty, but really it might suit our family better.  As you might imagine The Professor isn’t very good with cars. He doesn’t say “Oh, let’s rotate the tires. Or, that ping sounds like the radiator is going to explode. Better take the car in for a check-up.”  You know me, I don’t ever think of the car and how it should have the oil changed and be filled with gas. Do you have any idea how many times I’ve run out of gas?  If we had a driver, we could tell people we are a “driven family”.

Without a car there would be:

• No insurance to pay and no annoying cards to constantly find to put in the glove box.
• No driver’s license to lose and renew.
• No illusive mail to throw in the trash that gives the information to buy that sticker that goes on the windshield.
• No inspection to get.
• No oil to change.
• No appointment to leave your car for a day for the 50,000 mile check-up.
• No washing.
• No gassing.
• No smell from a fermenting sippy cup of old milk.
• No carseats!!
• No parking. (No parking "situations")
• No backing into other cars and saying, “OMG. I’m so sorry. Here’s my insurance.”
• No getting rejected from insurance companies.

Instead it would be:

“Hello, Danny. It’s Mrs. Parker. I need to leave for the movies at 2:15.” 

Danny would swing by the house in a shiny black car and drop me off in front of the theater and pick me up when the show was over. No parking; no waiting until the last minute and then racing up the highway.

or

“Thanks for the ride, Danny. We’ll call you when we’re ready to leave. Probably around 2 a.m.” We could drink buckets of booze and not worry about the designated driver. 

Danny would always be sober.

I want Danny for Christmas. Wonder how much Danny costs?

Comments

[hokgardner]

If you find out, let me know. I'd like a Danny.

[Karen]

Danny sounds nice but I just had a midlife crisis and bought my mustang... And Danny, Nor hubby, NOR KIDS are touching it! JUST ME!

[Beth]

I had a Danny when we lived in NYC. Heaven on earth. Now I have teenage drivers....I liked Danny better. Danny always had the car washed, filled up and would open the door for me and say, "have a nice time" shopping, lunching or whatever I was going to do. If I was stressed Danny would say, "Mrs.B, you seem a little preoccupied, how would you like if I call Martino and see if he can schedule a little relaxing massage?" Come to think of it I liked Danny driving more than hubby.

[bitsy parker]

Just reading about Danny coupled with MARTINO is enough fantasy to sail me through the entire week.

Over and over I stroke the thought of Danny opening my door and dropping at Martino's....

[Avery]

Whatever Danny costs, he sounds worth it. Until you just want to run to the store for some milk and bread. Then Danny's a hassle. And I likes me some milk and bread. I'm bourgeoisie that way.

[Jenny from Mommin' It Up!]

Definitely sign me up for a Danny! Does he do getaway gigs?

[Children Anxiety Disorder]

i never think that from that point of view... amazing!!!!