After years of working late into the night on essays, projects and tests while begging off weekend parties and social time-wasters, our smarty-pants daughter graduated valedictorian. Neat.

“What did she get for that honor?” my mother probed  “A silver bowl, “ I replied.

Now at a wood-paneled northeastern college, our daughter maintains a 4.0 while pushing back her warm blanket on cold mornings to practice with the rowing team.  We’re so proud of her that we don’t mind paying tuition that equals the annual average annual income of 139 Afghanistan families.  SmartGirl has declared a science-based major and is an eager participant and organizer within the department.

In contrast to our over-achiever, I recently reviewed 500-word scholarship applications that awarded $5,000 to a high school senior who took the time to write about an “idea” to solve a relatively harmless community problem. (500 words is about twice as much as I’ve written so far.)  These essays were pathetic: poorly written with immature ideas and weak academic achievements. Nevertheless, three students were awarded cold-hard cash.

I got to thinkin’…

Visiting the website of the college to which we pay the equivalent of a yearly mortgage on a half-million dollar house, I was encouraged to read that 75% of the student body receives financial aid.

Ring.

“Hello, I am a parent of current student who has excellent grades but is not eligible for a need-based scholarship. Do you offer any merit-based scholarships?”

Nope.

Click.

Realizing that any scholarship money I can scrounge for this child will be like receiving a wire transfer to my checking account, the Googling begins. Scholarships.com begs me to visit, but after I review the scholarship opportunities I’m mad enough to throw a shoe.

What is happening to the values of this world? Values. As in what does our society VALUE?  Specifically, what do most Americans think is valuable?  What has value?

Let me tell you what Americans value  - fashion, marketing, mediocrity and virtual sports!

Of the scholarships offered, the highest awards were from Cosmopolitan magazine, American Greeting Cards and Chuck E. Cheese. Stunning that the scholarships requiring any degree of academic accomplishment offered relatively low dollar prizes, while Cosmo Girl of the Year offers $20,000 to its winner! A mere 300-word essay wins a Cosmo Girl cash for college plus a weekend in New York with Hollywood’s biggest stars -- like many of Hollywood’s finest have ever seen a college.

The rules state that the essay should describe something big or small you've done to make your school a better place. How would such an essay to CosmoGirl read?

(Spend a moment thinking about what the ad to the left suggests.) 

Dear CosmoGirl,

I read your Bedside Astrologer every January. It’s my bible and I keep it on my nightstand as a reference guide when choosing my classes.  When the moon is in Saturn I steer clear from Home & Family class because I know I’ll drop the plastic baby and fail the course.

What has really changed my life and made a significant impact on my school is your article entitled, “How to Please Your Man – A 21st Century View”.  That little trick about testicle squeezing before – well, you know when I mean – has made a huge difference to my school. Almost everybody with the exception of my old boyfriend who turned gay, is so much happier.

Cosmo, thank you for making in a difference in our school. If awarded your $20,000 scholarship, I will go to college and ensure the whole college is happy,

Crossing my fingers (not my legs) in hopes of winning,

CosmoGirl

Cosmo associates its award with a marketing strategy. Web traffic is routed by the subscription center. Smart - bet that generates the $20,000.  American Greeting also offers a $20,000 prize and has a similar approach.  It’s so encouraging to know that crafting a greeting card message that will promote the industry-serving Mother’s Day holiday is more VALUABLE than excelling in biology.

The real kicker was Chuck E. Cheese who hawked a $25,000 prize to the college-bound student who could sink a basketball in a virtual game of hoops. What message does that send?  Don’t spend time studying, just visit Chuck E.’s website every day and click on a rigged basketball game and pin your college hopes on computer code.   BTW, what idiot is in charge of the Chuck E. Cheese marketing strategy?  College-aged students are not their audience??

It is easy to look around and see idiocy and lunacy in practice. However, to be hit in the face with it is another matter.  Why does society want to pay for fashion designers to go to two-year colleges where they can barely make the grade? 

If none of this makes any impact at all on you, at least think of all the poor training your plastic surgeon is getting.  Don’t you want more for America?  Your liposuction is going to go terribly wrong if you don’t support the smart kids. Think it over.

Comments

[Shellie]

Insane. We're going to hell in a hay wagon.
Chuck E. Cheese gives jumping through the hoops a whole new name. I heard there is even a scholarship out there for kids with bad grades. OK...???? I don't get it either. Loved the Cosmo letter! I hope she can get some scholarships one way or another.

[Liz]

Really, though Bitsy, if your daughter only had some Native heritage or an american Girl doll named after her family, she'd go to college for less. I would elaborate, but I'm off to ChuckECheese with my seven year old. I know he wants to stay home and read a book, but I really need him to shoot some virtual hoops instead.....

[janet Person]

I think that you need to search a scholarships site. You see, its like going two local stores in your area, well we know that every store do not carry the same things; so it the same thing with scholarships(every scholarship site do not have the same scholarships). I recommend http://www.freetoapply.com for a good list of scholarships to apply for.

[Nik Vik]

Yes you can easily get scholarships and http://www.freetoapply.com is a good option to go for.
Thanks