Value wIT

Sarah Bird, who wrote Yokota Officers Club, Flamenco Academy and some other yummy books, has written a new book called How Perfect Is That. Can't wait to read the book that has a line saying:

Ah, Pemberton Heights, the creamy-white filling squirting out of Austin’s exclusive Tarry­town Twinkie."

For  you real live Pemberton residents (all three of you) who read Value wIT, get over to Texas Monthly and read an excerpt from Sarah's book and see if you notice yourself. The rest of you, head to Book People on June 10th at 7:00 pm and hear Sarah talk about the book and get her to sign your copy.  I'm going. I'll be the girl in the dark glasses.

First of all, the name of the book is Sex Detox.  Should I continue? The Professor was not in favor of my reviewing this book. In fact, his comment was,

“A sex diet? What? Why? I’ve already spent years aching in lust.”

The Parent Blogger Network mailed this book to me last month, and I spent the first week marveling at the promise that in 30 days I would experience love, sex and intimacy as I’ve never imagined it.  However, just like any diet, getting started was difficult, so I left the book waiting on a stack of unattended bills. 

Bad.

My accountant called to say she was at my house to pick up some documents.

“Look on the stack of papers on the little table in the hall,” I say. 

Whoops. My Jehovah’s Witness accountant had to touch Sex Detox while looking for the note from the IRS.  Redialing the phone like a madwoman, I promise,

“Don’t think I’m reading that sex book. It’s just something I have to review. Um, sometimes, I write reviews. I mean, the book isn’t something I bought.”

Sure, she thinks.

Finally, the book made it to my nightstand only to find that apparently my ultra pious housekeeper though it was pornography, or at least something dirty. Every day I would find that she would turn the book face down so the hot pink cover screaming SEX DETOX would not show for all the world to see.

About the book… Basically, the premise is to go on a sex diet, and instead of getting into a fight when too much time has elapsed since the last good lovin’, the book suggests heavy petting and romantic dinners to whet the appetite. Probably a good thing; just like giving up caffeine is a good thing. Here’s the deal, life is hard and I’m busy and I’m stressed enough without giving up sex.  I would rather drink a double shot of espresso and have a roll in the hay than be irritable.   Maybe when I finish my extra-long work project I’ll go on a sex diet and give up coffee and sex…and wear a straightjacket.

Have I mentioned that I'm busy? Well, I am. So, when a case of fruit juice arrived in the mail, I was delighted that there was something to pack in the children's lunches.  It could have been packaged alpaca pee. I just needed something to stick into the lunch boxes so that Child Protective Services wouldn't think I was irresponsible.

The idea is that Froose, a new fruit juice company started by a mom, sends me drinks, my kids taste them, and I write about the results. What do I care if the drinks suck and I have to write a bad review? Like a case of juice is going to persuade me to write a good review. Well, lucky for Froose, my kids really and truly said,

"I love this!"

The packaging says "delicious organic whole grains in natural fruity flavors....healthy drink for kids...good source of fiber."  I'm not a nutritionist, so I can't verify if these statements are true. Mostly, my children don't drink juice because 1) it's too much trouble to carry it from the grocery store to the car to the house 2)  juice is mostly empty calories and 3) water is free and doesn't take up room in the refrigerator.

The Froose boxes are really cute with a moose on the front. I would buy them if I was making cute lunches for a bunch of kids. Of course, if Froose was continually mailed to my door for free I would probably give it to the children.

Have you ever seen that movie, "The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio"? The movie is based on a true story about a repressed mother in the 1950's who repeatedly enters commercial jingle-writing contests to win prizes that she later sells to support her TEN children. Have I come to this? 

Whenever I am asked to blog about a product, I rarely say no because I win such good loot like books about diets and sex and even books on sex diets. (Soon Sex Detox will be reviewed so start counting the days.) I have "won"  candles, dish washing soap, fruit drinks, water, iced coffee and even laxatives. You can see why I always agree to write reviews.  Not to mention that I always get very excited when the UPS man drops in on me with a big box. Tasty.

Today bored patient audience, I write to you about personalized Fruit Roll-Ups.  No shit. If I were really like Evelyn from "The Prize Winner of Defiance, Ohio" I would write a jingle like:

Get your personalized Roll-ups while they last.
Don't court bulimia and eat the box too fast.
Kids will love you and scream your name.
Personalized Roll-ups will bring you fame

Hmmm. Maybe my ten children would starve. Anyhoo, here's the poop on Personalized Fruit Roll-ups.  Go to the site - preferably with your little children so that they can get excited about the animation and eerie background noises. Pick a graphic, type a message and select the color of "fruit" for your creation. Done.

In a few days look for the UPS guy to drop a box of 30 personalized Fruit Roll-ups at your door. Your plan is to take the loot to Little Johnny's Kindergarten Valentine party and watch Perfect Pammy pass out when you upstage her heart-shaped cookies with Fruit Roll-ups that say, "Happy V-D, Mrs. Jones' class!"  Eat that, Pammy.

I have a difficult time working up an image of Perfect Pammy these days. My children's former school was overrun with over-involved mothers who had no life aside from hanging out at school and over-planning school parties. As you might remember, I took the bait and competed in those worthless shows of creative energy. At the new school, I see both mothers and fathers at school - never hanging around sucking-up to the teacher, though. There is no Mother Club where members wrestle to host the Valentines Day party, fight over who will drive on the field trip, or arrive at school hours before a performance to get a front row seat.

In spirit of non-competitive good ole fun, the nice folks hosting this personalized Fruit Roll-up promotion want me to ask you to comment on the sweetest Valentine’s messages you’ve sent or received. Playing the role of Vanna, I will then award the three of you whom I think most deserve a special treat this Valentine’s Day... a box of personalized Fruit Roll-ups.  Dude, the box costs $29.99 plus shipping and handling. It's better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick. So, let's hear your "sweetest" Valentines message.

P.S.  PLEASE take a gander at the shirt below. I found this on the Walker/McKnight site mnartists.org. Minneapolis’ Rebecca Yaker, an artist and entrepeneur (and Minnesota Rollergirl), made this groovy shirt  entirely out of various fruit roll-ups–strawberry, tropical fruit, and electric blue.  View Yaker's portfolio to see an  un-Prom dress made from sock monkeys, an entire outfit crafted from “toy foods (tomatoes, cheese slices, roast beef, white bread, bologna, hamburgers, and lettuce), clear vinyl, and plastic coated metal.

What a deal!  The Parent Blogger Network asked me to review The Ultimate Tea Diet which is the newest, fastest, and simplest way to loose weight while ingesting bazillions of antioxidants. Even the dimmest of wits can understand the premise: drink tea.

Essentially, the idea of The Ultimate Tea Diet is to consume tea all day and night. Drink it hot. Drink it cold. Drink green tea. Drink black tea. Drink cheap tea. Drink expensive tea. It matters not. Just drink the hell out of tea.  The results are impressive.  If you drink gallons of tea each day, you will probably loose weight because you have no time to eat and all that tea actually does kill your appetite.

This diet is a dream come true for anyone with obsessive-compulsive tendencies. Fixate on tea and stop fixating on chips. Shop for the tea. Prepare the tea. Drink the tea. Buy flavored tea. Steep tea leaves until the cows come home.

Seriously, The Ultimate Tea Diet authors seem to mean well and what’s wrong with drinking some tea? As far as a diet, it reminds me of when my friends’ mother went on a cheese and pickle diet and lost 40 pounds in two months. For 60 days she solely ate small cubes of cheddar cheese and dill pickles. The Ultimate Tea Diet is a fad, but it sounds like a fun one that I’ll probably try!

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Now, read the latest installment of Shelly's adventure which starts below.

Yeah, right.  Well, maybe.

PickPackGo just emailed me about an opportunity to win a portable DVD player iffin' you're interested.

They just introduced a monthly giveaway contest for travel items and individuals can sign up every month to win, just for visiting the site. Doesn't hurt to click and take a chance at winning. Value wIT is really a gambling site.

The link to enter the free contest is here: www.pickpackgo.com/giveaway

I was excited to be on the Parent Blogger Network list to review The Daring Book for Girls by Andrea J. Buchanan and Miriam Peskowitz because I own a daring girl and was curious to find out what to do with her! 

To give a complete picture of my Daring Girl, when she was three years old, she slipped out of the house one night and walked to the downtown  7-11 to get a Slurpee. The 7-11 employee who brought her home said Daring Girl climbed onto the counter, helped herself to a Slurpee, picked out a Care Bear cookie and brought her items to the register. Noticing that she was in her pajamas, the clerk asked Daring Girl where her mother was. After careful consideration Daring Girl replied, “My mother is probably asleep.” You can see how I was hopeful this book would contain the instructions on how to raise a daring girl.

When the buff and sweaty UPS man knocked on my front door to deliver said book it was my pleasure to open it...the excitement continued as I ripped into the package to find something daring.  The book was gorgeous and textbook large!  What a shocker. I was expecting a small book, not a large, beautiful book that would make a great gift for a girl.

Seriously, the book is lengthy at 280 pages and reads much like a textbook. The cover says “for every girl with an independent spirit and a nose for trouble, here is the no-boys-allowed guide to adventure.” With claims like that I expected to hear how to toilet paper a house, how to spy on a neighbor, how steal your grandmother’s car or how to cool a six-pack in a stream and keep it hidden for three years. Instead the book is little more wholesome and instructs girls how to make a sit-upon, do back walk-overs,  and write appealing thank you letters.

The Daring Book for Girls is a nice sitting-on-the-shelf book and a conversational gift item that will make the recipient’s parents think you are smart and have old-fashioned enviable values. I would certainly buy it (or re-gift it) as a gift for a girl between the ages of 7-10 so that the girl’s parents would think I am socially conscious and talk about me after the birthday party.  Reading all 280 pages is daring.

The Parent Bloggers Network and Scholastic.com Parents wants to know "What Are Your Kids Learning at School?"

As mentioned last week, my first-grader is learning some very specific jump-roping skills, and I couldn’t be more proud that she is exploiting her genetic predisposition for skipping the loop.  It’s the phonics that throws me.

Specifically, it’s the Riggs (read that smack) method for learning the 71 Spelling Patterns (Graphemes) for the Commonly-Used Phonemes that I consider witchcraft.  Obviously it’s a very effective method because my six-year old can read like an auctioneer. However, it’s WAY too difficult for me to comprehend.  There’s no chance I could get out of Kindergarten these days.

Each night my little child sets about her homework and spends at least 20 minutes reading aloud, 10 minutes reviewing the Phonemes, 10 minutes on math flashcards and however long it takes her to finish two worksheets. Admittedly, the homework load is a heavy for a six-year old, but it keeps her out of the cookies.

Parent Blogging Network and Scholastic.com Parents ask if the homework is a learning tool or mere busywork, and I most definitely assert it’s not busywork. There are only 12 children in the class and the children’s work is graded and posted on the wall. It’s obvious when a child doesn’t do the homework and falls behind.

Not that anyone is interested in my child's study habits or my opinion about homework but there is a chance that this post will be picked at random to win a $100 Scholastic.com store shopping spree. I am having fits of fantasy about all the Clifford The Big Red Dog books I can buy for $100. Maybe I could repeatedly read Clifford aloud for days on end without stopping or sleeping. 

It is not fair to you, dear Value wIT readers, to leave you out of a big secret find.  To discover the best birthday present to give children go to Props and Pans and read a review I wrote a couple of weeks ago about the Koja Tent.  Seriously, the Koja Tent is tres muy bien bueno, and you will will be richer, more popular and have more time in your life if you read the article. No exaggeration. While you're there peruse the Chasing Fireflies review too (nice browsing.)

Sorry I've been away - partying with my three best friends to celebrate our 40th birthdays.  Don't worry, we did a very good job. However, the recovery time is taking longer than it did in my 30's.

Meanwhile, I'm writing about Cool Whip at Props and Pans. Check it out!